


no signs, no lights, such a mess all over

by jeonggukscheeks



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Codependency, Dark Character, Depression, Friendship/Love, Insecurity, M/M, Sad, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, even i don't know what i have done here, metaphorical or non-metaphorical, take this as you wish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-31
Updated: 2015-05-31
Packaged: 2018-04-02 05:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4048120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jeonggukscheeks/pseuds/jeonggukscheeks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Killua is darkness, Gon is light.</p>
<p>If Killua is rope, Gon is his anchor.</p>
<p>If Killua is weak, Gon is strong.</p>
<p>If Killua is dying, Gon is living.</p>
            </blockquote>





	no signs, no lights, such a mess all over

**Author's Note:**

> For my baaka [Marija](http://marecchi.tumblr.com).
> 
> Basically, I am a heartless human being who can't write happy stories no matter how hard she tries. I am truly sorry. I still hope you enjoy this and don't feel the need to kill me afterwards (Marija, this goes especially to you). As always, kudos and comments are very, very appreciated, I thank you in advance!
> 
> Also, my tumblr is [idiotgon](http://idiotgon.tumblr.com) if you feel the need to follow me.
> 
> Enjoy! :D xx.

He won't think about it, he tells himself.

 

He won't let such foolish thing control him.

 

It's been enough. He's done it way too many times. It's time to stop. It's time to get the grip of his mind. It's always someone else, something else, controlling him. He doesn't know what. Doesn't have the energy or will to find out, but he can't let those thoughts consume his mind. He should be strong enough. He's not a kid anymore. He's not sure when it has been the last time since he was one. It's been too long. And yet, here he is. Fighting with his own mind - a never-ending battle of which the ending has always been clear.

 

People would laugh at him, probably, if he told them this. They'd say he's making the stuff up. That he's being stupid and a whiny fool and "get the fucking grip on reality, you little piece of shit". He wouldn't blame them, though. He thinks that, maybe, if he were to be in their situation, he'd be the same.

 

Not if it came to Gon, though. Gon is the story of its own. He'd trust Gon to the Pluto and back. Gon could tell him thousands of lies, and he'd still believe. Because he'd never had a friend like him. He was never so lucky, to have someone to be there for him, to light up his day when it gets just a little bit too dark. He appreciates Gon more than anything else. Because he knows he's a burden and not the most pleasant person to be around. Although, he still doesn't understand why Gon is sticking around - why he hasn't already left. It takes Killua by surprise every time he thinks of it.

 

Gon is still here.

 

He hasn't left.

 

Killua hopes he never will.

 

There's an ache in his heart, when he thinks about Gon leaving him. A part of him thinks that it’s ought to happen someday, that there's no chance Gon will stick by him forever. Nobody ever did. There are just a few people that stay in people's lives forever. And usually, they are a family. But Gon... Gon isn't a family. He's just a friend.

 

A friend.

 

A best friend.

 

A....

 

Just a best and only friend Killua has. And just because he's only Killua's friend doesn't mean Killua's only Gon's. Gon is a friendly and cheerful person who can pull people in just by the way he shines. He shines so bright. Maybe even brighter than the sun. Killua's been blinded by his light so many times, and still, he doesn't seem to ever get enough. Selfishly, he wants more and more each passing day. Gon should hate him because of it, but he doesn't.

 

He's opposite of Killua, so his friends are more of a variety, too. Killua can't have that. Killua won't ever have that and... once Gon leaves, he'll have no one again. So, of course Killua wants to keep him. But he can't keep him locked up, can't put a cage around him. Gon doesn't deserve that. He deserves freedom and a decision upon leaving or staying. Killua hopes that it won't happen soon. He still wants to cling to him. He's still not strong enough on his own. It's pathetic. He's pathetic. And it's unhealthy, he knows.

 

He knows.

 

It's stronger than him, though. It's eating him up inside - all these demons, all these voices, all these needles. Wanting to scream, is all he really wants.

 

Scream.

 

Scream.

 

Screams that never stop. Screams that will save him from all these demons keeping him down.

 

Down.

 

Down.

 

He can't escape. There's no way out. There was a trace of hope, once, but even that... is gone now.

 

He doesn't cry. He never cries. But he feels his sadness eating him up. Slowly. Almost too slowly.

 

Gon. Where is Gon now? Is he here? Is he in the next room? Is he on the other side of the world? He hears himself repeating that name, not even aware. Gon. Gon. He needs Gon. He needs Gon to drag him up. His anchor. His shield. The thread that keeps him from falling down. Falling apart.

 

He doesn't hear footsteps. He doesn't hear anything. Has Gon already left him? Has it come to that? Is Killua alone again? So many questions. Questions. Dragging him down. Only down, not up. He needs answers but there's no one to get them from. His thoughts aren't his own. His mind isn't his. It feels as if his body's been taken away, as well. What is the truth anymore? Maybe he's not even Killua. Maybe he's... maybe he's just a skeleton. Maybe his whole life has always been a lie.

 

He's nothing.

 

Empty nothing.

It comes so suddenly - this pull. It feels almost as if it's a part of his imagination. But the strings keep budging, and he stays still. He doesn't go down. He doesn't go up. He closes his eyes and breathes. He thinks he hears a voice, oddly familiar. Could it be?

 

The strings budge and he goes up. A little, but it's enough. The darkness becomes a little bit less of a darkness and more of a light. He thinks that it must be a miracle, of some sort. He's drowning still. His head is consumed still. But these strings are pulling him up. That voice is whispering his name.

 

Quiet.

 

Quiet.

 

He wants to respond, but there's no strength in his body, in his mind, anymore, as if there ever was. He wants to fight, wants to go up. But his hands are weak. His eyes unfocused. His will leaving him.

 

Slowly. 

 

_Please._ He thinks. _Please, save me._ Because he's not strong enough on his own. No matter how hard he tries. No matter how hard his family has tried. He's weak. He's depended. Depended on Gon. On his light, and his will to live, and his pure happiness, carefreeness. Killua is nothing. Nothing without Gon. He's just a darkness - a darkness consuming everyone around him. He's the force that can only destroy human's life, if they're not strong enough. He's here to bring humans down and to bring himself up.

 

Once upon a time.

 

He can't do that anymore. Finally, his own darkness has consumed him. And no matter how hard Gon keeps pulling. No matter how much light he sees by each passing minute, it will come again. And again. And Gon will not always be there. He can't. He'll leave. And Killua will never be strong enough to fight on his own.

 

Needles.

 

Torture.

 

Suffering. 

 

It's all there is to it. It's all he's ever known. Fighting it all on his own - it's impossible. He should've been able to do it, in these seventeen years of his life, but no. In the hard way, he's learned that he will never be strong enough. He'll never be worth the life's happiness. It's not for him. It's for people like Gon – who will help, and learn, and love.

 

Love. 

 

What is love? Is it... is it free? Like a wind? Like a bird? Or are there chains? Are they keeping you down? Is it something you can fight or are you a slave? Always chained up to the love? That strange word. Killua will never know the meaning of it, and he's not sure if he wants to. It's scary. It's making him terrified.

 

He sees hands - those small hands that has always been there. Then he sees the face, creased with worry and fear. Killua never wants to worry him, but it's stronger than him. He wants to help it but he can't.

 

It's the relief Killua sees next and then there are arms, holding him so tightly, he has trouble breathing. He doesn't mind it though. Gon's smell and his touch is all Killua needs. He thinks it can keep him grounded for a while. Even if it's just for a little.

 

_Don't ever do that to me again._

_Did you hear me?_

_Not ever._

_I wouldn't be able to live without you, how can't you understand?_

_Don't be stupid, Killua, I love you._

 

Killua thinks that if he promises he won't, it'll just be an empty promise.

 

Still, he says: _I love you, too._

 

And, he thinks, maybe just for a little while is enough.


End file.
